Instant Karma

Monday, October 31, 2005


While getting ready for work this morning:

"Oh, are you dressing up as the Alpha/Beta plant manager for Halloween today?"

"Yeah...This is the scariest costume I've ever had."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Parade of Pets

Our first pet was a little brown dog that I barely remember because I was still so little and the person we got him from failed to discover that the puppy had heartworms. He died the day after we brought him home. Next came a black puppy we named Lucy. I remember that she would jump up on my legs when I came home from Kindergarten and give me scratches. Lucy got hit by a car after only a month. Around the same time, we had a cat named Bashful. I was only two years old, but I vividly remember playing with Bashful in the open garage when the neighbors pit bull came up the hill, grabbed the kitty in his mouth and took him off into the woods. My mom was in the kitchen and saw it happen, so she ran outside and whisked me up off the ground. Bashful was one of several cats this particular dog terrorized, so that dog was taken away by animal control.

Next came Shorty. This is where my memory of my pets starts to become clearer. Shorty had a squished little flat face and an underbite, so his tiny teeth stuck out. My older sister and I would dress him up in doll clothes and push him around in a stroller. He was such a good dog! Concurrently, we had a cat named Sneakers. When we moved to Malaysia, however, both of those pets were given to friends.

In Malaysia, I had a parakeet named Sprite. A friend taking care of Sprite while we were on vacation accidentally let him out of his cage while she was feeding the bird. Sprite flew out of the open window into the jungle. When friends of ours moved back to the States, we took their old, old Golden Retriever named Cleo. Cleo scared the crap outta our gardner and the meter readers, though she was old and friendly and the worst thing she could do would be to sit on you or pee on you. Cleo died of old age. Also in Malaysia, we had a dog named Ginger. Ginger looked more like a fox than a dog. She freaked out the gardner and meter readers, too. When we moved away, Ginger went to live with a school friend of mine.

Back in South Carolina, I got a rabbit who I named Beau. We also had a cat that took up with us who we named Sneakers. When we moved to Texas, Beau came along, but Sneakers stayed in SC.

While in Texas, Beau died...of constipation. Who knew you can't feed rabbits too many vegetables? We had several stray cats that liked to hang around - Mrs. Snowball and crew. I also got a mini weiner dog that I named Zoey.

Zoey came along with us when we moved to Pennsylvania. She got out and ran across the road while we were bringing in groceries one day. A woman who was driving way over the speed limit hit her right in front of our faces, but didn't stop. My older sister got pissed, jumped in the car and took off after her. She forced her to stop, come back, and appologize. For my little sister's birthday one year, I got her a tiny black kitten that she named Muffy. We then got a black schnauzer mix shelter pup we named Ace. I think my older sister also had a rabbit named Belinda in here somewhere, but I don't really know what happened with that.

Ace and Muffy stayed with us through our move to Virginia and through high school for me. I went to college and my family moved back to South Carolina. Ace and Muffy came along. My little sister got another cat named Peanut. (Oh, yeah, there was another cat of hers right before Peanut that I accidentally killed in the dryer, but that's another story...). Now that she has gone to college, Muffy went to live with a friend, Peanut is living with a cousin, and Ace went to live in North Carolina with a family friend (I live in an apartment and couldn't take him).

The family friend just called me a week or so ago to tell me that my old, grumpy Ace dog has died. He was 13 years old, which, for a schnauzer especially, is getting on up there. He had a heart attack. This littany of pets of my childhood has come to a close. One day when R and I get a house, we will surely get a dog, but I think I will think of that as the first dog of my adulthood.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Third Lane Option

I've heard of the Third Lane Option and thought of how nice it would be to use it sometimes, but never have I actually seen it used until this morning. However, it was used poorly. Picture this: Four-lane highway with median turn/suicide lane. Four cars (I am one of them) traveling in the dark rain of the early morning, using both of the south-bound lanes. Here comes Mr. Ford F150 thinking that we four are going too damn slow. So he pulls into the turn/suicide median lane and passes us all on the left. Brilliant! We all caught up with him at the stoplight. And the next stoplight, too. And the next one. I'm glad he was in such a hurry to pass us because it certainly got him where he was going faster.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Surprise House

There is a plantation 2 minutes from my home. Yes I live in the South and there are still working plantations. Not with slaves and all, but they sure do love to gouge the money from the public's pockets by charging $20 for a $3 pumpkin. This particular plantation always has seasonal activities. The activity of this season? The aforementioned pricey pumpkins and a Haunted House (in a tent with strobe lights, as seen from the road at least).

As we drove by it last Saturday night, strobe lights urging the masses in through the haunted doors, R commented that it's not so much a "haunted" house as a "Surprise! I'm-a-badly-dressed-scary-character-jumping-out-of-the-darkness-when-you-least-expect-it House."

The thing is, this still scares the crap out of me. I mean, c'mon...I jump 3 feet in the air when R gets home from work and walks into the kitchen while I'm in there getting dinner ready. I get startled very easily. R knows this. He likes to take full advantage of it. I can't even count the number of times I've been showering and I almost have heart failure because R thinks it is amusing to sneak in and say "Boo!"

Monday, October 17, 2005

Muffin Tops

Just because you can button size 6 jeans around your butt, does not mean they fit!


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Fall Down, Go BOOM!

Today they are demolishing the two old Cooper River Bridges. While they did give fair warning on the news, etc. that this would be happening, I needed a little more personalized warning. For instance, "Maria, please put down your full cup of hot tea because in the next 10 seconds there is going to be a huge explosion several blocks from your workplace." RIP Grace and Pearman Bridges. Thank you Ravenel Bridge for cutting 10 minutes off my commute!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Going up.

A perfectly healthy person should not use an elevator to go to the second floor!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


One phrase of acknowledgement and farewell of which I am not particularly fond:

"Have a good one!"

Have a good one what? Have a good "day" or "evening" is obviously what the person intends. But it could just as well be "Have a good life," or "Have a good bowel movement."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Crustaceans for Education

I ate lobster for the first time nearly four years ago and I haven't had any since. It's not becuase those little crustaceans are not delicious - because they are - it's just that, I don't often get the opportunity. My first and only lobster dinner was on a cruise. It was the choice between beef Wellington or lobster tails for my entree. On the advice of a cruise-savvy fellow diner, I had - both! Yes, you can do that on a cruise! After all, you've already paid for all your might as well get your money's worth. So I had both. Then I had another lobster tail. I think I gained 5 pounds that week.

Since then, however, despite living on the coast, no more sweet, buttery lobster has crossed my lips. This, I think, is about to change. One of my aerobics instructors has a kid whose school is having a fund raiser. Gotta love those fund raisers. But this one is kinda neat. It's not your normal wrapping paper, candy, or magazine subscriptions campaign. It's called Crustaceans for Education. You buy live Maine lobsters, which are shipped to the school from the waters of Maine the day you pick them up. They're either handed over live or steamed for you. I think I'd go with the "steamed for you" option, as I've never cooked a live lobster before.

The best part is, the pick up is the weekend before R's and my 1st anniversary. It might be fun to have a little lobster dinner to celebrate!

Monday, October 03, 2005

There's a Flag on the Play

While watching football this weekend with my husband:

"Illegal booby-grab,

On the offense,

5 yard penalty,

Repeat booby-grab."